I've recently fallen head over heels for a guy who lives in another state.  For over four months, we had talked every single day for hours, sometimes not even sleeping.  We finally met in person and I stayed with him for one amazing week and things were perfect.  We both decided to take things one step at a time because the distance made things difficult.  We didn't go "exclusive," and decided to take that step after I had moved down.

Here is the part that makes things heartbreaking and confusing.  Taking a look at his MySpace, you would think the guy is trying to collect women like baseball cards.  There are tons of comments from all of these girls about how she misses him, and how hot he is, and how she wishes she could see him again and blah blah blah.  I was trying my best to ignore it and not be a jealous woman, but I had to ask him what that was all about.  He said he "gets along better with girls" and "they all want him but can't have him." So I had to ask if he would only be dating me when I got down there or several girls at once so I knew what to expect and also is he now seeing many people at once.  His response was, "I never said I was.  I am just not going to say that I wouldn't be.  I am not now."

Totally. Effing. Heartbroken.

So am I just stupid because this guy is a player and I'm not seeing it? Or have I become victim to MySpace Senior High?

It might help to think of this relationship in terms of energy. Giving energy, and taking it away. A healthy relationship needs a healthy flow of energy (give, take, and give back again), and the best relationships are like holding a mic up to a speaker and achieving a true positive feedback loop. That screeching sound is love that has spiraled and magnified and has the strength to burst hearts. So let's do energy surgery here and see what's going on.

Falling head over heals. There's lots of good energy here... calling all the time, talking, making plans to visit, actually visiting, experiencing perfection. A great start.

Deciding to take things one step at a time. This is like putting a valve on the energy, storing it up, making sure you and he both maintain balance and control. It's a move that is generally considered safe. I'd be curious to know how this decision was reached. Depending on if it was truly mutual, or if one person brought it up and the other person agreed, makes a big difference. It's difficult to turn down something that sounds so reasonable, but this lessening of the energy flow could have a big impact on the eventual outcome of the relationship. It sets the tone of playing safe, while hiding the motivations.

Deciding to move to his state. This is a very giving move. The opposite of taking things one step at a time. Moving to another state is a much bigger move than moving to an exclusive relationship, and the difference is that it is you who is doing all the giving. While bringing the mutual energy level down in the relationship and then taking this one step that is completely unbalanced, you have unbalanced the flow of energy, sending it all downhill to this guy. Which is fine as long as he sends the energy back... but he doesn't.

The move that seals the deal is that he has no interest in promising anything regarding the relationship even after you promise to move. He has turned into an energy hog... evidenced further by his attitude towards attention on Myspace. An energy hog will often look for ways to live off the energy of others while trying to give as little of it back as possible. This strategy makes sense when you're playing the stock market, but not with relationships. The energy loop of this relationship has become closed, and incredibly lop-sided, in his favor, and it seems like he has no interest in balancing it back out. Energy hogs are very sensitized to the movement of energy, however. You may have already noticed that he will send attention and love back to you if you cut off the flow. But this game of energy see saw where your only valid move is to cut off the flow is a boring and slowly fatal one. While the energy flow started off nicely, and you may have the impression that things might return to that early stage of mutual affection, he has since changed the game and I would bet has no interest in bringing it back. Don't play that game.

Dump this dude and don't look back.

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I feel like I'm dying a little bit inside these days.  I'm drowning myself in booze to cover up everything... my motivation, lack thereof, etc.  I know that there are so many things I could do, but I fear being overwhelmed will keep me under fear's thumb, never allowing me blossom into the things I think I could be.   When did things get so hard?

Things being hard (or, difficult) isn't the problem.  What you're probably trying to say is that things seem too difficult.  That's a problem.  So is fearing being overwhelmed by fear itself.  If you're going to do that, might as well end it all right now.  Here's my advice: rather than ending it all, step it up.  There's no time for dilly dallying and hesitating.  Jesus, Buddha, and Santa Claus spit on the hesitators. 

Some people rally themselves by creating a false sense of value in the universe.  By believing in something absolute, something grounded and universal.  I rally by doing just the opposite.  Life is futile, meaningless, and inconsequential.  Bottomless, groundless, turtles all the way down.  Giving up, or fighting with everything you got, either way results in you ending up as worm food and everything you've ever built being destroyed and everything you've ever contributed being forgotten.  We're lost souls, confused, with chicken brains, trying to breathe water through granite lungs, trying to turn water to whiskey, trying to turn lead into love, trying to tell a story that actually answers a question we don't even know how to articulate.  That feeling of inconsequential meaninglessness and insignificance that you get when you're staring up into the stars or watching Powers of Ten or trying to comprehend world news while also feeling angry at your hang nail... those aren't just fleeting moments of daydream whimsy and too little sleep, they're as close as we'll ever get to knowing the real state of things.  Like a chicken seeing a butcher passing through the light of the cracks leaking through of the barn door, or Plato playing finger puppets.

The cumulative effect of it all is that meaningless becomes meaningless.  Without a ground, life turns into a movie on a beautiful set with an incredible budget.  A movie that ends and, when credit rolls, is completely gone (characters, story, set.... poof!).  The adrenaline of drama, striving, creativity, love, victory, and defeat exist as buttered popcorn for our souls, and we step up to the big adventure because it's the only thing to do in this dark theater. 

What is left, and what lasts longer than the movie, is the style with which you choose play your role.  Be bold, confident, risk-taking, vulnerable, loving, subtle, mysterious, and make sure you and the audience are bonded forever in a weeping, laughing, clapping finish.

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I think that I want things until I get them, at which point they scare me and I try to run away. How do I tell what I actually want, as opposed to what I only want to want?

Think about the universe as an onion.  The outer layer, all things possible.  Peel one layer and now you have all things people want for one reason or another.  One layer deeper holds all things you think you want.  Where are the things you actually want?  They are strands of onion weaving throughout all of the layers.  You, then, are a brilliant little bug crawling in and out of this onion, eating all kinds of things, some which you want, others which you think you want but actually don’t, others which you didn’t know you wanted until you had them, and still others (the rare few) that you both thought you wanted and actually turned out to want.  Quite a random and surprising life exists for the onion bug in the onion of all things wanted and unwanted, you might think.

Now, we’re all crawling in this conundrum.  Your problem is not that you don’t know what you want, it’s that you’re scared of what you want.  Developing a taste for things that you want is possibly one of the chief-most tasks that you have.  To taste a thread of unknown union and physically taste the extent to which it satisfies your desires is a matter of cultivation, sensitivity, and courage.  If you’re afraid of new tastes, or of your own dreams realized, you’re going to spit out even the tastiest morsels of life... not because they taste bad, but because your own mouth’s acid is bitter to your taste.  A tragic fate indeed!

My absurd advice for you... practice new things, and retry things you don’t like.  Small things at first, like that food you haven’t tried since childhood, and moving to bigger things like changing your entire wardrobe, moving to Paris, and marrying your nemesis.  Treat this new challenge as a new wine drinker would a sommelier course.  Savor the subtleties.  Know your fears and face them.  Repeat, gain momentum, and break through.

I’m going to call this the First Absurdity (being afraid of what you want).  For more specific advice and fewer metaphors, include more details in a follow-up.

I work with someone who is in love with me. He has me on a pedestal and I can’t handle it. Not only do I not reciprocate his feelings, I am starting to dread being in the same room with him. I will have to see him many times a day for a very long time. He is sensitive and good, but intense and getting scarier. He is also oblivious to my subtle hints. I know it’s probably time to sit him down and nicely tell him to leave me alone, but I’m not sure how to do it.

Some people don’t understand subtle hints, and for these people, direct words were invented.   Note however that these direct words don’t necessarily need to be delivered in a face-to-face encounter.  Yes, it’s tacky to break up with someone over text message or one-line email, but it’s not tacky to break up with your not-so-secret admirer in one of these ways.  In fact, because of the impersonal nature of these more indirect forms of abstract communication, it will spare his feelings and he won’t have to see you seeing his puppy dog eyes bursting into a thousand tears each reflecting his passive unspoken love for you.  Let those tears fall on his ergo keyboard and maybe choose a sunny day when he’s got sunglasses on.  Life is tough for the unrequited lover, indeed, but they will feel emotions that the requited lovers of the world can’t dream of.  Everyone wins.

I’m contemplating a complete change in about two years. I want to move to Europe or Australia or South America, get a new job, and fit into a completely new life. This is great, except that this isn’t the first (or second!) time that I’ve done this. Change is great and all, but am I in a rut because, oddly enough, I’m trying to change too often? How do you balance the need for change in your life and the benefits of a stable lifestyle?

Change is inevitable and should be embraced, even absolute and irreversible change.  Just divide it out and assume it will occur whether or not you pursue this or that particular brand of it.  The axes you should graph out and plot, instead, are Direction and Momentum.  Ask these questions in this order:

1. What are you avoiding in life?
2. What are you striving for in life? 
3. Will moving to Europe or Australia or South America give you the emotional sensation of: A) moving you closer to something you are striving for, or B) further away from something you are avoiding?
4. If A, move and double down.  If B, stay and face whatever you’re avoiding head on.

This is another example of the First Absurdity (being afraid of what you want), mentioned in the first question.

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I have a “good” job, it allows me to pays the bills, is reasonable work, but the soul killing aspects seem to be getting me down lately. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels doing work that doesn’t matter. I want to quit, take a year or so off and just goof around and figure out what I want to do when I grow up. But I’m hung up on losing the security that I’ve build up by working and saving etc... If I sell my house to fund my year of discovery what if I can’t ever afford another one? Will I be living in a horrible apartment when I’m 65? How do I balance security / stability with growth?

"Good" is not good enough.  "Reasonable" is a way to hide fear of the unknown.  "Spinning wheels" is lack of momentum and direction... a double whammy.  "I want, but" is self-induced paralysis.  "Security" is an illusion caused by the mixture of fear and familiarity.  This is the only life we have, my advice is to to for more than "good".  Be smart about it, but not cautious.  Smarts require preparation, swift, determined action, and fearlessness.  Caution can be confused with smarts but is usually more of a fear mask.

How can I make sure I keep the motivation to write a thesis this summer when the weather is going to be gorgeous and I’m going to want to go outside? In other words, how can I create a schedule I can stick with and won’t blow off at the first opportunity?

Wanting to want something isn't the same as wanting something.  "Motivation" is created on the thing you want itself.  My motivational trick when I want to want something more than I actually want the thing itself is to stake my reputation on doing things by publicly telling people that I'm going to do something that I don't necessarily want to do.  By staking my reputation on, say, writing my thesis this summer, and not only do it but do it awesomely, the pressure to actually stay in and do it rises exponentially.  This is part of why we don't make promises to do things, because we know that the act of promising might actually influence our need to do something that we don't really want to do.  Instead of creating a schedule which you won't follow and which will only make you feel like slacking off even more, tell people that if you don't finish your thesis this summer that you'll clean their rooms and scrub their bathrooms and take them to the airport whenever they need to.  At that point, fear of failure might motivate you to create a reasonable schedule.

I have a pattern of going for guys who aren’t really into that whole “longterm commitment” thing. Is this because I'm not ready, myself? Is it because I feel validated when relationships end, telling myself that I was right all along that men are dogs, or that no one will want me, etc? Would I flee or choke to death a relationship that involved someone who really wanted to commit? Is 33 1/2 years old too young to spend my valuable time worrying about such matters?

A pattern is just a pattern.  We get stuck in patterns for no reason... it's strangely comfortable to fail at something familiar.  It's terribly horribly awful to fail at something unknown.  Of course we'd choose the former over the latter whenever possible.  Familiar failure validates your fears, strengthens the pattern, and feeds the comfort.  If you want longterm commitment, then you're ready for it.  Rather than being wishy washy about it, demand it from life.  Demand commitment from yourself.  If you're afraid of yourself you'll be your pattern's slave.  You'll continue to reinforce bad patterns, and continue to rely on familiar failure for comfort. 

Is there really a way for me to become more organized to the point where I don’t dread paying bills so much that I just don’t pay them at all?   Can you fix that?

You don't need to be organized to pay your bills.  You just need to pay your bills.  Blaming a personality trait and expecting that you'd need to change a giant part of your self-identity in order to do something as mundane as writing a couple checks every week makes writing those checks exponentially more difficult.  Once you're paying your bills the slow and tedious way (the disorganized way), becoming organized will be an added efficiency that you can work on in order to save time.  But wait until all that work makes sense... go for the low-hanging fruit to start.

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